So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
