It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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