I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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