If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
