Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
im holly from the hills drunk
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
