mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
