There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
