I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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