I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Pants are for mortals
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
