im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
