we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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