people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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