Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
