it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
