hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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