you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
