I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
