quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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