When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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