When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I understand Curling. That high.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
