I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
