there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
