if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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