after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
