So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
