yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
