Pappa wants mamma naked
He uses pillows to masturbate.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
