the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
