ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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