there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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