My liver just broke up with me...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
