the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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