Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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