New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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