hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
