I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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