it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
