I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
