Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
