I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize