I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I look better un-naked...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
