life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
