There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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