covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
