She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
