and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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