If you die in college, do you die in real life?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
