just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize