Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
