sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize