god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dignity is for republicans.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
