i love accidental penises.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
