Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I could make wine with my vomit
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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