We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize