I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
