my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize