Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
